


Twisting the Knife

by Madame de flammes (owlaholic68)



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Bittersweet Ending, Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, Light Angst, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Mutually Unrequited, Spoilers for Episode 57 and 58, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-21
Updated: 2019-02-21
Packaged: 2019-11-01 14:00:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17868605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/owlaholic68/pseuds/Madame%20de%20flammes
Summary: This was all Vax’s fault. If he had only stayed true to his word about leading Gilmore on, if he’d only bothered to set any emotional boundaries, if he’d only found anything suspicious in the way that “Gilmore” had acted –In order to be heartbroken over someone, you first must admit that you loved them. A missing scene from Episode 58 after the attempted assassination.





	Twisting the Knife

Vax’ildan had been a fool. A damned, hypocritical, short-sighted fool.

Rakshasas are master manipulators, Allura had said. They should have known, they should have done their research.

Vax should have never been so naïve as to be so excited when fake-Gilmore, Hotis-Gilmore, had shown up at his door in the middle of the damn night with a mysterious gift and a suspicious offer. But Vax had thought that it was _Gilmore,_ so-

So that meant that it was normal? Sure, they had danced around each other, they had had their fun, but only in the proper time and place. Vax would go to the shop and initiate, Gilmore would respond with the same affection. A short date, maybe, an intimate conversation, and nothing seriously more. Fun and games, something exciting to pass the time.

If that was true, then why had Vax’s heart fluttered, standing on the moonlit tower with someone who he thought was Gilmore? Why hadn’t he been suspicious, knowing the resolution of the conversation that he had shared with the real Gilmore months ago?

Gilmore would have never showed up at Vax’s room at such a time. But if he had…

Gilmore wouldn’t have thrown the robe to the bed. He would have stepped close and pressed the parcel (which would have been much more elaborately wrapped) into Vax’s hands, would have purposely let their fingers brush together with a warm and knowing smile.

Gilmore wouldn’t have been so quiet on the walk up to the tower. He would have quietly murmured about something or another, soft excuses about why he had come to visit. He would have tucked Vax’s hand into his elbow himself, and he would walked just a little more closely – and –

And there’s no use beating himself up about it now. Vax twists his fingers into the fabric of his pants, which silently wrinkle from the force of his shaking hands. What’s the point in pondering the what-ifs, because the truth is that Gilmore wouldn’t have done any of those things, because Vax had laid his heart bare one evening, because he and Gilmore were _friends,_ nothing more.

Hotis may be dead, but his strategic choice to disguise himself as Gilmore feels like the assassin had jammed an invisible dagger into Vax’s chest and left it there, the poison of self-inflicted betrayal seeping into his bones.

The door opens and Vax startles, catching a glimpse of his sister before he abruptly turns away. He’s glad for his hair that hides his face. Gods, he’s a mess over what, this?

“Vax? We’re going to be heading out soon, you were just taking so long to pack...” Vex trails off. “Are you okay?”

“Ye-” Vax’s voice cracks. He rakes the back of his hand under his eyes, brushing away a few frustrated tears that he hadn’t realized he was crying. He clears his throat. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just – just aching still.”

“Oh.” Vex closes the door. The bed-sheets whisper as she sits at his side and puts her hands over his own. “Oh, Vax.”

“I’m fine,” he halfheartedly repeats, head still down and curtain of hair still covering his face. “It’s nothing.”

She sighs. “It’s not nothing. This has been a terribly rough night, hasn’t it? And you really took the brunt of it.” Vex gently sweeps hair from Vax’s face and tucks it behind one ear. He can see her face now, tight from stress and sympathy. “Hotis hurt you badly. It’s okay to not be okay after that.”

Her words have a distorted echo in the corner of Vax’s brain. _You hurt me deeply,_ fake-Gilmore had said. There’s another layer there, too. Vex knows her brother like the familiar draw of her bow and arrow, and she can tell that the pain was not just physical. It would have been easier for Hotis to have stabbed Vax while he slept. It would have been far less cruel.

“I told myself I didn’t love him.” Vax feels another round of tears sting his eyes. He leans into his sister’s shoulder. “And I was a _liar._ A hypocritical moron, telling him that I didn’t want to lead him on, kissing him, walking away from him and telling myself that I no longer cared.” He lets Vex run comforting fingers through his hair like their mother used to do.

“You never moved on.”

“Not only that,” his voice rises despite himself, “but I fucking jumped at the slightest bit of affection from him. At a possible sign of hope that maybe he would care enough to take matters into his own hands. He – Hotis may have looked like Gilmore, but he hardly acted like him. I should have seen in an instant. I was an idiot and I paid for it.”

Vex’s hand in his hair withdraws and lightly slaps his shoulder. “Stop that,” he snaps in her firmest reprimanding voice. “It’s not your fault. Nuh-uh,” she hits him again when he tries to argue. “Seriously. This isn’t on you, this is the fault of that punk-ass Rakshasa that took advantage of you. You cant,” she huffs a frustrated sigh, “you can’t just decide to stop caring for someone. That’s not how it works, and it sure isn’t how _you_ work. And sure, maybe you should have set clearer boundaries, but then Hotis still would have found a way to get your guard down. Or maybe he would have just slit your throat and called it a night and then you wouldn’t be here at all. So stop punishing yourself for something that isn’t your doing, okay? We can’t have you moping this whole trip. It’s pathetic and depressing and it’ll put Trinket in a foul mood.”

Speaking of pathetic and depressing, the choked laugh this draws from Vax definitely fulfills those two adjectives. But it’s a laugh nonetheless and Vex perks up at the sound. She squeezes his shoulders in a loose hug.

“You feel things so deeply,” she asserts. “And that’s one thing that we all love about you, Vax. This will take time. It hurts now. But it’ll get better if you try, I promise, and we’re all here for you if you need us.”

Vax draws back from the hug and rubs at his eyes. “Thanks. I’ll try.” He shrugs and gathers his hair into a low ponytail to busy his hands. The ache in his chest is still present. Nothing has gotten better. And maybe it never truly will. But as Vex said, these things don’t happen overnight.

But for now, a distraction. Their trip to the feywild. Anywhere far from here sounds wonderful, any sort of adventure that will occupy all his attention until he can work through the emotional shit he’s embroiled in.

“I’d better start packing.”

**Author's Note:**

> I have re-watched episodes 57 and 58 and embarrassingly large number of times, and Liam's full-body acting always kills me on the spot, as well as the underlying implication that if Vax had actually stuck to his declaration that they would only be friends, Hotis' ploy probably wouldn't have worked as well.
> 
> Come find me at owlaholic68.tumblr.com to talk about the fix-it fic I now want to write where Vax and Gilmore never "broke up"...


End file.
